


the prices we pay

by prettyshiroic (kcgane)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, BoM - Freeform, Gen, Self-Sacrifice, blade of marmora, keith has to take a different ship to the shield, kolivan and keith bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-26
Updated: 2017-10-26
Packaged: 2019-01-23 12:31:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12507476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kcgane/pseuds/prettyshiroic
Summary: “I need to take the Marmora ship.”It’s a request, disguised by the sharp imperative Keith laces most of his speech with. Like his blade, every word twists to his whim, with clear precision and direction. But not without the intensity of his emotions on the very tip. Still, Keith does his best to suppress what he can because this is serious and not about him. Kolivan knows that Keith knows that. Keith always has seemed to understand the importance of the mission far too well for someone so young.He also seems to translate that into being expendable if the risks were worth the sacrifice.But the blade of Marmora does not take risks or chances.





	the prices we pay

**Author's Note:**

> arka and i were chatting about this last week! i pretty much NEVER write in any POV or perspective besides Keith, so it was interesting to try and write following Kolivan for this. I hope it works out okay!

Loss is a part of a war. It’s something Kolivan makes clear to each and every blade as they undergo their Marmora training. Because set against fighting the Galra Empire, thousands of years into a fight for freedom, loss is expected. It doesn’t make it any easier to watch comrades, and dear friends, fade away into oblivion at the hands of the enemy. Or sometimes their light burns out by their own fires. Self-sacrifice.

The mission is more important than the individual. That is a truth that is difficult to digest. But even so, lives are not dispensable. The Blade of Marmora operates in caution and seldom takes chances. Not to mention, there are many kinds of self-sacrifice. The trials of Marmora test discipline and awareness amongst other crucial things required of a blade. Above all, knowing when to end an operation and evacuate safety to preserve life and their organisation is important.

Kolivan isn’t sure how it was so easy for Ulaz to make his final choice. It subverts everything the blade ethos teaches. It’s reckless. Impulsive. Throwing life away for a chance attack that might not have even paid off is ultimately foolish. The risks of the risk were too high, despite it working out in Voltron’s favour.

Ulaz was a fool. Albeit a brave fool. He put the mission first, and embraced his cosmic insignificance to the point of rationalising his own death without hesitation.

Kolivan dislikes how he can see the very same resolve to throw himself headfirst into the firing line for the mission and other people in Keith when he goes after Regris.

It’s not the first time he’s seen this in Keith, though. Of course. As Keith makes it back just in time with Regris, Kolivan purses his lips. He has to take a moment to school his expression. He needs appear less affected than he is by Keith’s striking semblance to Ulaz. By where that could lead him.   

“Your life is not something to fling around,” Kolivan says sternly as they land the ship. Regris is out cold, but safe. Thanks to Keith. But Keith took a big risk to make that possible. It’s imperative he realises this. “You cannot be reckless with your life.”

“I wasn’t,” Keith replies sharply with narrowed eyes.

Kolivan hums, unconvinced. Keith says he understands, and he does to a degree. There is understanding of the mission’s importance and what must be done. However, Keith _doesn’t_ understand it all entirely. He’s missing the fundamental piece to this code. He is so full of honourable things, humble in a way that destroys the brightest of stars before they reach their full potential. Yet he is decisive, confident in his actions. It’s a potent concoction.

“Besides, it doesn't matter. I’m just one person.” It’s not intentionally self-depreciative, just a brutally honest fact.

_You awoke a Luxite blade. You piloted the Red Lion and the Black Lion. You have accomplished more in your small time on this battlefield than many have in centuries._

“The mission is more important than the individual,” Kolivan repeats, hands lacing behind his back. “However, that does not mean there is no value in the individual. The universe made this choice for us. It made us small, while our purpose is infinitely large. We should not give it the satisfaction it desires. We should not give ourselves to the stars so freely.”

Curious, Keith raises an eyebrow. Kolivan has said too much, perhaps. But he’s got Keith to listen and consider his words. That’s a good start. As opposed to responding, however, Keith is quiet. Far too considering. Turning to the newest blade, Kolivan clears his throat. Yes, he has definitely said too much.

“Is something wrong?”

“No. It -” Keith sounds surprised, eyes wider than usual. “It’s just… I wasn’t expecting to hear you say anything like that.”   

“Believe it or not, I was once a poet of sorts.” That has Keith choking on his next breath, followed by a disbelieving splutter. Kolivan pulls up his mask, smiling wistfully. It’s been a long time since he strung words together for the sake of making them sound fulfilling and melodious. Keith looks at Kolivan as if it’s the first time he’s really seeing him.

“Sorry,” bowing his head, Keith averts his gaze. “I never really thought about that stuff before. Can’t have been easy to become the leader of the Blade of Marmora.”

“We all have left things behind for this mission,” Kolivan begins solemnly, with an edge of nostalgia for all the days that have been and gone. “But the echoes remain.” He shouldn’t, but Keith needs to hear it. Glancing over, Kolivan frowns. His mask lifts, exposing the sincerity in his expression.

“That is what self-sacrifice is. Not mindlessly throwing life away for the cause, but mindfully giving what it means to live.”

The words have Keith chewing down on his lip, earnestly mulling it over. Kolivan wonders if this will serve as enough of a lesson. This isn’t the first time Keith has come close to death.

_I’ll do it._

Kolivan is not foolish enough to believe it will be the last time, either.

\---

“I need a ship,” Keith says with urgency.

He scans the area for an answer. Something, _anything,_ that will get him up to where he needs to be right now because something is wrong. The Galra ship in on the platform has been caught up in the crossfire from gaining control of the Zaifoge cannon. Half a wing missing and the body is producing enough static to tell any pilot, yet alone the best of his generation according to Iverson once upon a time, that coaxing it into flight is impossible.

That leaves one option.

Kolivan doesn’t have to see Keith’s expression to know the gears are turning in his head, that he’s working on a plan of his own right now. He doesn’t have to see that mask lift to know there’s a frown set into Keith’s lips, eyebrows drawn together. When the mask lifts up and reveals his face, Keith is staring intently at Kolivan. Tension spills from his eyes, as does authority. Even in the presence of a leader, he is charting his own course without reserve. It’s both admirable and alarming.

“I need to take the Marmora ship.”

It’s a request, disguised by the sharp imperative Keith laces most of his speech with. Like his blade, every word twists to his whim, with clear precision and direction. But not without the intensity of his emotions on the very tip. Still, Keith does his best to suppress what he can because this is serious and not about him. Kolivan knows that Keith knows that. Keith always has seemed to understand the importance of the mission far too well for someone so young. He also seems to translate that into being expendable if the risks were worth the sacrifice. But the blade of Marmora does not takes risks or chances. Kolivan sighs behind the mask, hands locking behind his back.

“So that you may leave your crew here stranded for Voltron, who has yet to call upon your assistance directly?”

Keith visibly flinches in what has to be frustration, and Kolivan supposes that’s fair. It’s a low blow, and not intended to sound nearly so stern as it rings out through a clenched jaw. But there is a pressing sense of dread brewing in the pit of his stomach at the thought of letting Keith _anywhere near_ that battlefield with a ship like this. A ship _capable_ of the things this ship is. Not to mention, it’s the very same type of ship Ulaz used to give his life for Voltron.

“No. That - that’s not what I- Kolivan, it’s...-” Keith hisses irritably, teeth gritted. A moment passes, and after a brief pressing shut of his eyes - Kolivan doesn’t know what this means, but he’s sometimes caught the whispers of something that sounds like _patience yields focus_ attached to it - Keith regains his composure.

“We don’t have time to stand around. Voltron is in trouble. And I’m gonna find out what’s going on.” Pause. “I’m not asking for permission. _I’m going_.”

_I’m doing it._

Oh.

Kolivan’s eyes widen in realisation. He hears it implicitly in Keith’s words, then. _I’m asking you to trust me._ Trust. Keith wants Kolivan to trust him on this mission, let him follow his initiative and instincts. Something that he became unable to do with Team Voltron towards the end of his time there.

“I expect the ship returned in one piece.”

Keith’s lips upturn in a rueful sort of way.

“Thanks, Kolivan.”

If Kolivan had a better reading on humans, and someone as unpredictable as Keith, he’d say Keith looked momentarily amused. But he’s not sure. The flicker in his eyes ebbs away too quickly, the sparks aren’t enough to light the fire. Not that Keith needs more fire, there’s already so much burning within him right now. That’s clear. What’s unclear is Kolivan’s words. He hopes Keith can read between the lines. He’s not just asking for Keith to return the ship, _but for Keith himself to return._ In one piece. Safe.

And that’s that. Keith leaps off the platform, darting away from the Zaifoge cannon ship and retreating towards into the forest. Only, he’s not retreating at all. Of course he’s not. Another presence is felt by Kolivan’s side. Eniik. There’s the sound of a strong gust, and the sight of the Marmora ship soaring through the atmosphere.

“You let him take the ship?”

_No one’s commanding me, I’m doing it._

\---

Keith leads the rebels with precision, and they follow without question. Through the comms, Kolivan can hear the firm unwavering nature of Keith’s voice. He's proud, he realises a fraction later. Proud of what Keith has become in spite of continuously losing pieces of his identity that is crafted in purpose and action. Thanks to Regris’ final adjustments to the Marmora ship, the increase in static has hardly any effect. He hears every word, and can even respond. 

The sheild is persistent, and the more Coran feeds into Kolivan’s earpiece the more concerned he becomes. This really could be a suicide mission.

“Keith,” Kolivan says through the comms. “If the situation does not improve in two dobashes, then you must pullback.”

“Pullback?” Keith sounds enraged by the idea, as expected. “I'm not going anywhere.”

“Naxzela is ready to blow, you must abort this mission!”

“No!” Keith snaps fiercely. “Not until we- argh!”

The yelp has Kolivan breaking his firm stance and leaning forwards. There's the sound of open fire making a strike. Keith's been hit. There's no mistaking it.

“Keith,” Kolivan gives hardly a moment before calling out again. There's something pressing in his voice difficult to rid himself of. Fortunately, the interference lessens it. “Keith, are you still with us? Keith-”

“I'm fine. Minor scratch.”

Kolivan breathes a sigh of relief. It's irrational to worry, this ship is built for withstanding high impact. But Keith is piloting, and Keith has very little self-preservation. That's proven when he goes alarmingly quiet on the other side of the line. Kolivan hears Matt claim an imminent defeat, and that's when he feels compelled to jump in. Because Keith is still quiet. _Too quiet._ Considering.

“Matt is right. You must abort this mission.”

Kolivan knows this will be met with protest. Keith just isn't one to back down from a cause, or a fight for the cause. The trials of Marmora proved that. Even though Keith offered the blade, he had still been fighting for the greater good. That level of instinctive self-sacrifice even now isn’t something Kolivan has witnessed for a long time. Perhaps in war it's a good trait. But not for Keith. It's not just. He's valuable, in so many ways he does not seem to understand.

“I can’t do that, Kolivan.” _I have to do this!_ There’s a terrible rasp to Keith’s voice, the kind where emotions are far too powerful to withstand the world outside his own body so he strives to suppress them. But it is seldom successful. And as they surface they intensify and erupt into something spectacularly compelling. Keith has no idea. He does not understand so much. He does not see so much of himself.

“It’s simple.” Kolivan keeps his tone clipped, military. He has to. “You turn the ship around. You programme a course. You retreat at full-speed. _You abort.”_

“Voltron is too valuable.” Keith sounds so calm in this moment. So sure. The emotion from moments ago has been abruptly drained. It’s alarming to hear him so composed in the light of something so dangerous.

 _“As are you.”_ Kolivan does not regret, but he regrets not saying this sooner. Because Keith does not understand this. And in this moment, he’s brave. Foolishly brave. Just like Ulaz.

“I’m not a paladin, anymore.” It’s logical, rational. Something that sounds far from reckless. Still, it has Kolivan clenching a fist. He feels so small in the face of this situation. Powerless. It’s just his words and Keith. And Keith is a man of action, not words.

“ _Keith._ There is no way to take down that shield.”

Keith needs to hear it. He needs to hear the gravity of what they’re facing from a blunt tongue without attempts at making this better or softening the blow. Then he can evaluate the situation properly. Kolivan _hopes_ he can. Oh. Kolivan does not hope. But he is now. He really is. He hopes Keith hears it, the trickles of desperation in his voice. The chances of success are slim. This mission has been compromised. _Keith has to abort._

Silence stretches out between them again. It’s one that feels far longer than it is.

“Maybe not with our weapons.”

And that’s it.

Confirmation.

Kolivan turns on his heel quickly, attempting to get the cannon back up and running. He already knows it’s a useless endeavour. But there it is again - hope. Foolish hope, for the foolishly brave.

 _Keith, no!_ Matt’s voice rings over the comms despairingly. It’s clear, then. What Keith is doing. What he’s going to do.

“Sorry, Kolivan.” Keith laughs bleakly as he speaks. It’s the most awful sound. “Looks like your ship isn’t coming back in one piece.”

_No._

First Ulaz. Thace. Antok. Regris. Now Keith. _Keith._

“Keith!” Kolivan’s mask lifts, eyes locked on the sky.

There’s an explosion. Kolivan hears it ringing out in the comms before it all fizzles out.

Keith is dead.

It’s wrong. The universe never cared for who lives or who dies, but Kolivan can swear it’s buckling under the weight of this moment. Or maybe he is. Maybe it’s just him. But it can’t be when whole galaxies are tearing into two, stars succumbing to a cataclysmic fate. Everything falls into a strange stasis. There’s white. Static.

Keith is still dead.

“Kolivan,” Eniik says with insistence, pressing a firm hand to his shoulder. “Kolivan.”

It’s only now Kolivan realises that Eniik has been attempting to break him out of his temporary run-in with deepset horrifying shock. Shock. He’s in shock. Pulling the mask back over his face hastily, Kolivan tries to move. But the universe is still. Time is frozen. Keith is dead.

“Kolivan?” Eniik.

“Kolivan, do you copy?” Shiro.

“Hey, Kolivan,” Keith. 

…

_Keith?_

“Kolivan,” Eniik. “Kolivan, he made it.”

“Keith,” Kolivan’s mouth almost trips over the name gracelessly. There’s a lack of composure to it. With the lack of static, Keith can probably hear it this time. Taking a moment to form his words, Kolivan regulates his breathing. He hadn’t realised it had become so slow. “What happened?”

“Lotor. Lotor saved us, he - he took down the shield,” Keith replies through the comms. It’s really Keith. He sounds unharmed. Alive and strong. Though there is a small tremble nipping at the corners of each word, a jagged realisation at how close he came to his own death.

“How is the ship?” Kolivan asks, because surely Keith must understand what he really means by now. There is no way he can be so unaware of the fact Kolivan’s biggest self-sacrifice in this war has been publically indulging how much he cares for the individuals.

“It’s in one piece,” Keith replies a little breathlessly.

“Good. However, I will be undergoing a series of inspections on its condition upon your return.”  

“Kolivan,” Frustration seeps into his voice, teeth grit. Kolivan imagines Keith is probably wearing that determined expression again. It’s then Kolivan notices Keith has wired their communications to private. Just the two of them on the line. It’s far more exposed, somehow.

“Kolivan, it’s fine. I - _I’m_ fine. _”_

Ah. So Keith _has_ caught onto the undertones of this conversation.

“I’m glad you are alright.”

“I … you’re not mad?” Keith is clearly stunned by the words. It stings more than Kolivan would admit. For some reason, Keith finds it difficult to _understand_ this. Still.

“I am taking a moment to express my gratitude in you returning to us.” _Don’t ever do that again._ “Would you prefer a lecture?” Kolivan asks, a wry smile on his lips.

“No, no. I just-”

“-That can be arranged.” It _will_ be arranged. When the aftermath of relief wears off, Kolivan will be having many talks with Keith about this. But for now, there are better words and more important ones than a scolding. Pause. “But in this current situation, your safety comes above anything else.”

“ _Kolivan...”_ Keith sounds overwhelmed by the implication, unable to finish that sentence.

“See you shortly,” Kolivan responds whilst disconnecting the private line. They need to be focused, now. For the mission.

“Shiro, what is the current status of Prince Lotor?”

As the coalition discuss the aftermath of the fight, Kolivan watches Keith bring the ship back through the atmosphere. That is surprisingly grounding.

Keith is okay. He's alive to fight another day. 

But Kolivan is not foolish enough to believe this will be the last time Keith comes close to death. This will not be the last time Keith makes a choice that could end with his own life. Keith will find himself in this situation again. And of course, Keith will make the choice he feels is right. By doing so time and time again, this is not the end of Keith’s experience with _his_ end.

Keith walks too close to death, coaxes it closer than necessary.

Kolivan hopes with every fibre of his being that this is the first time of many where Keith cheats it.


End file.
